Shaving Cream Conspiracy
Dec 6th, 2005 by Alex
It’s plausible that the makers of razors have been secretly coordinating their product development with the makers of shaving cream. With personal hygiene industry being a multi-billion dollar industry, it is no small wonder that those sneaky shaving engineers have got it in for you.
Shaving cream and razors have been engineered to complement each other, the end effect being that you — the victim — have to buy the products more often.
The act of shaving, broadly defined:
- Apply shaving cream to body.
- Shave.
Shaving cream contains chemicals to accelerate and stimulate the growth of thicker (more abundant) and firmer (more dense) hair. Thicker hair results in you having to use more shaving cream to cover the affected area and accelerating the dulling process of the razor, as well as having to buy more shaving cream. As the razor blade dulls, we perceive a less smooth shave and have no choice (other than further victimizing ourselves with nicks and cuts) but to purchase a replacement blade. In some brands a dulling agent is added the shaving cream, acting as a catalyst to the dulling process. The increased frequency of hair growth requires the victim to shave more often, thus forcing the victim to purchase shaving cream and replacement razors at an alarming rate.
It is duly noted that most teens don’t begin growing copious amounts of hair until they begin to shave via the process above. This is no coincidence and shouldn’t be dismissed as a result of puberty. Just in case any teen have abstained from the act of shaving, Gillette sends prospective males addicts (oops, I mean users) a free razor on their 18th birthday. Get ‘em hooked early.
Update! As if that weren’t enough, it seems that the battery industry have decided that they want in on the action. Duracell has teamed with some companies in an effort to electrify their razors. The Gillette M3 Power razor is — according to the manufacturer — “The Best a Man Can Get” and is powered by a single (replaceable, of course) AAA battery. The “micro-pulses” mentioned in their product media are likely stimulating the hair follicles to product more “healthy” hair, just like in electrical muscle stimulation (EMS). In addition to the vicious product cycle mentioned above, now the victim of this “premium, top-of-the-line” razor will have to purchase batteries as well.
The women’s shaving industries are no different, except that the shaving products tend to be more expensive. Products last for an even shorter time due to the increased surface area to be shaved (e.g. the legs versus the face). Although unconfirmed, it is believed that the Boards of these industries are composed in large proportion by men.
There is no easy solution. Shave with water. Don’t shave at all. Most importantly: if you don’t already, don’t start.