Junk Mail is the Old Spam
Mar 29th, 2006 by Alex
While spammers are on everyone’s mind these days, there’s still people who send junk mail… or in other terms, people who want my money. Sorting through the pile of mail, here’s a few things that caught my eye.
Despite the knowledge that public records and my credit score are mostly responsible for most of the junk mail that I receieve, there is a part of me still somewhat flattered that there are so many people out there who want my money.
Starting with…
COLUMBIA HOUSE
I haven’t heard from these guys since I was in high school, when I used to plaster their stamps all over everything. You know, the ones that looked like CD covers. Of course, that’s back when people bought music. Remember that? Now the stickers resemble DVDs, although between downloading movies, Netflix, Red Box and On Demand I’m not sure who is left to purchase DVDs by mail. Nevermind all of that, the adhesive on the stamps doesn’t taste very good.**
** Why is Hallmark the only company that has taken the effort to produce flavored adhesives that actually taste good? Is the ROI so low that it isn’t worth it? Granted, their envelope adhesive flavoring isn’t so good that you’d eat the whole envelope, but at least it doesn’t taste like glue. But I digress…
The Columbia House pitch hasn’t changed much over the years. I can still get three dozen DVDs for $0.13, so long as I buy two DVDs over the next two years at the low Club Price of $148.73 each. Or something like that. It’s comforting to know that there are enough disorganized people that allow this company to turn a profit with these crappy offers; those people who forget to send back the card saying “no thanks, I don’t want this crappy film” before they’re billed full price for Plan 9 for Outer Space (which is available on Google Video now that its in the public domain).
But wait, there’s another free gift… I know because it says so!
“ONCE YOU RECEIVE YOUR DVDs, PLEASE ENJOY THE FREE GIFT BELOW”
How thoughtful! There are 18 adhesive stamps, each inscribed with “This DVD Belongs To: [My Name]” Nuts to these guys, I’m going to use my free stamps now… ACK, the adhesive tastes like glue!
NEW AMERICAN FUNDING
In college, you’ll get several credit card offers each week. Once you graduate, you get more. After you buy a house, they slow down a lot. Unfortunately, now that your mortgage is public record (by way of your credit report) you get a lot of offers for refinancing; several a week.
The gents at the New American Re-Negotiating Department (also known as Broker Solutions Inc. dba New American Funding) are “writing to alert me that my original mortgage [...] can be re-negotiated to a new 5 year fixed payment at 1.75% which would give [me] a new low monthly payment*.” Super, except for that little *, which in the fine print below states:
“Minimum payment option above may may in deferred interest and is based on a start rate of 1.75% which has a fixed payment option for 5 years.”
What do I know, I’m just a homeowner. But it sounds like a (questionably) legal way to default on my loan payment for a period of 5 years, and somehow owe New American Funding a bunch of money in the process; all while still owing my lender a lot more money. If I’ve got that wrong, do let me know. I’d be thrilled to have someone from New American Funding email me.
If I were going to default on my mortgage, why would I allow anyone else to charge me to do so?
NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA
I am singlehandedly endangering the rights of every American citizen because I haven’t paid my dues yet.
“Now, without your membership support, gun-ban extremists in Congress and in the Senate are aggressively pushing their anti-gun agenda. And they think they have a huge advantage now that you’re no longer an NRA member!”
I’m pretty sure that gun-ban extremists would still be pushing their anti-gun agenda whether or not I’m an active NRA member. A one-year membership costs $35; I’m fairly certain that barely covers the complimentary American Rifleman subscription, the postage for all twelve issues, the costs and postage for all the nagging letters they’ll send afterwards. I don’t want the Second Amendment coming to crashing halt because of me. Can someone send me $35?
SMITHSONIAN INSTITUTION
By contributing, “I am proud to help the Smithsonian continue to excel as the guardian of America’s history and culture.” Now wait just a minute here, isn’t that what all the gun-packing NRA members are supposed to be doing? Either way, they’re doing it more efficiently; the minimum donation to the Smithsonian is $60, of which $32 is designated for Smithsonian magazine sans-advertisements (compared to $3.75 American Rifleman). I would hope for glossy pages and shiny photographs; $32 must be GSA rate for magazine subscriptions.
It was a light day…
The bottom line is that the junk mail will never stop. I just discovered that when you sign up for frequent flyer programs they all share information with the credit card issuers; so now that student cards are dwindling, cards promising billions of miles are now beginning to trickle in. It is a shame that all of the advanced methods we’ve developed for e-mail don’t translate too well for postal mail.
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