The Ideal Trip to Wal-Mart
Jan 21st, 2007 by Alex
Load your car to the hilt with children who are incapable of caring for themselves. If you don’t have enough to fill your car, borrow some of the neighbors kids. Double park your car diagonally in between two parking spaces while you shop; your busted-ass Pontiac deserves it, plastic spinning rims and all. Toss your empty pack of Newports on the ground and head towards the “Exit” doors.
Immediately upon entering, let those kids loose. There’s no need to keep an eye on them, that’s why the sales people are really there. Let them run wild in the store. Meanwhile, load up your cart to the point where the wheels begin to buckle under the weight and the cart loses ability to be pushed in a straight line. There’s no point in looking at any of the prices. They’re always falling, right? Just throw anything that you might possibly want into the cart. The side aisles weren’t meant for carts, so leave your cart in the main aisle while you peruse the items on the side. If one of your kids brings something back for you to buy, don’t tell them to put it back where they found it, just place it on the nearest shelf.
All done? Definitely head for the express lane — the regular lanes are for suckers — taking a minute to remove the package of underwear from the cart and drop it in the DVD bin. It’s right there. Someone will pick it up later. The register is the place to decide what you really want and whether the price is acceptable, but only after the cashier rings it up. After you’ve been rung up, pay the cashier. $150 on the Visa, $100 on the second Visa, $23.47 on the Discover, $14 on this check, $3.56 cash, and three food stamps. Procede to the customer service area and have them page for your kids.
While loading your car, leave the cart in the middle of the parking lot. When complete, back out and propel the cart into the car behind you. Look one way then the other, then peel out of there, plastic rims spinning.
I’ve been told that my experiences with Wal-Mart aren’t typical. Despite this, I avoid Wal-Mart whenever possible.
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You’ve been shopping at the Walmart on Crain, have you? Or, even worse, did you go to the one behind Golden Corrall on Ordnance?
My experiences with Walmart were EXACTLY like yours, which is why I stopped shopping there. Not for any political reasons, but because the people who shop there are intolerable.
ACW: I’d agree that Glen Burnie (the one on Ordnance) is bad, although I did have a favorable experience there during a blizzard a few years back (we needed ping pong balls). In general, it pales compared to Laurel.